Friday night..

Here I am just me… my bubble was burst so many times at work.. I felt so angry.. but then.. today is my payday.. and He decided a few months back that we would split everything… somehow even though I now have no car, fuel, tax, insurance… £1450 of my pay is required for the living expenses. And I have around three hundred in loan and credit card repayments. I only got paid 1659. Do the fucking math. I ride my bike in the cold 25 min in the dark to get a train.. I come home after dark.. I do fucking everything as far as housework, gardens, mowing lawns, hedges, fucking everything. And somehow I end up with minus a couple hundred at the end of the month. What the fuck. So I left work early.. called him crying, and he was so supportive. Got home, he took me for a drive, and I cried at least four times… balled my eyes out because he was so mean. But he helped me. He was supportive. He gave me great advice based on the fact that he is way above me and knows everything. His time is worth money, and when I answered his questions wrong, he told me I wasn’t worth his time, I should just quit my job cos I would never be good at it… then he would switch and say he supported me and loved me, as long as I didn’t talk when he asked me questions… if I did he would say I was wasting his time again… it was a fucked up drive. Finally got home and I just wanted to drink my ciders, so I did. He tried fighting with me, but I just said I am not doing it, went to my room, which I have now 😁 and sat with my music. Cos that is what I love. He eventually left me alone.

I am so alone. I need job advice. I need relationship advice, I need money advice. I have absolutely no one to talk to about any of it. It isn’t right. None of it.

Music I would recommend… if you want to be over everything, definitely Korn, Metallica, Pantera. Then when you’re not angry anymore, the fray, Ed Sheehan, eddy vedder, and of course brothers in arms. My dead best friends song.

I want to cut. I want to die. I am so fucking over it. But my boy is worth more than me. And I will wait till he is ok.

My dead best friend.. he loved me for who I am. I loved him for who he was. We just got stoned every day.. dinner, we would go and steal steaks.. he would crumb chicken.. we had a fire out back.. we played music, we made love, he ran me baths, and would bring me a drink and a cone while I soaked… fuck I miss him. Fuck life. He stole my boys shoes for him, for us.. we had fun, we were happy… fuck.

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