New year, new me!

NOT! What a load of shit. If it were that fucking easy I wouldn’t wait for some pointless date on the calendar before I made things better, I would have done it a long time ago. But I am entertained by all those hopeful idiots thinking that because the 8 turned into a 9, they will lose weight, find true love, get out there more, make friends, blah blah bla. What fucking ever. So. Anyway, happy fucking new year if it means something to you.

I want to talk about tonight.. for starters.. I am wondering if it is just me again. I often wonder that.. am I just too sensitive, do I expect too much.. do I take things the wrong way?

Tonight is a very small example of my frustration. It is Friday, my last Friday of holidays, back to work Monday. I would never be ambitious enough to want to go out, see people, or do anything slightly social, but I have learnt to be happy with the small things. So, I got all the Christmas rubbish, and went outside to burn it, playing quiet music on my phone. That was ok, but I had a time limit.. we discussed it and He explained the reason he hates me having a fire is because I stay out there all night and he gets bored and lonely inside without me. Mind you I am only 10 steps away from the front door. So I stayed for my two hours and came inside like a good puppy. We had to watch a movie. Fine, I can do that. Half way through, he is snoring his fucking head off, same as usual. So I watch to the end and then he wakes up.

I asked him, why did I have to come inside to sit on the couch when you just slept anyway?

He told me I was being nasty and mean to him, he asked why I couldn’t just be nice.

Wateva.

So he put on another movie. I spoke to him, and he snapped “is there any reason why you are not letting me watch the movie?!”

Again, wateva.

So I went and gave myself a haircut cos I can’t afford a real one. Oh, since I am on money… yesterday… I told him we had to pay the bus for school for the term… wow… it was fuck, why are you only telling me now (like it doesn’t happen every term).. and I am so sick of paying for everything and I feel like I am just being drained and bla bla bla. He does the budget. All our money used to go in together and he controlled it all, until a few months back when I finally got to log into the banking. Please remember I work full time. He had spent over a hundred quid a week on fucking lotto and gambling. After we had been broke so many fucking times. It was a few thousand over a few months.

So since I had found out, I decided to open my own bank account. He threatened to dump me if I didn’t close it, but I stuck to my guns. So he worked with it. All my pay goes into our joint account, I pay £1350 and get to keep whatever is left. Which is usually just enough to pay my bills. Sometimes not even enough so I have to ask him for money. He earns three times as much as me, and puts in the same amount, apparently £2700 is how much our monthly bills are. And he does pay extra for heating oil and stuff sometimes, but he makes sure I know about it. So I have zero to spend each month even though I work so fucking hard, and he has heaps. Works well… for him.

I don’t need all the shit in our budget. I don’t buy clothes, I cut my own hair, I take fucking pot noodles to work for lunch! He works away three weeks out of four, so me and my boy stay home and have nuggets and chips for dinner while he is staying in hotels, having fancy dinners every night.

Yet again, wateva.

Everything is good as long as he has control. The money, the tv, the music we listen to, what we drink and when, what I do in my spare time… FUCKKK!

But, saying all that, he has been pretty nice ever since my boy said he will call the police on him next time he hears us fighting and he threatens to hurt me. He has tried really hard not to fight.

I should be happy.

he took me out to a car very for lunch today, said he felt bad I hadn’t got to do anything on my holiday time. I want to go to London, have wanted to since we landed here… He goes all the time for work, but keeps putting it off, I can’t go until he decides I can.

At least I got to have my first fire of the year, and four dark fruit ciders.

I should be happy.

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